Because people have made her promises in the past and they’ve broken them. Because no matter how hard she works or how good of a person she is, she doesn’t believe she is worthy of love.

Because she’s had too many people leave her – both intentionally and unintentionally – and she doesn’t want to give you the chance to leave too. There are a million reasons she might not be able to believe that you love her. And there will be a million more in the future. She’s been through so much.

So much. She’s had moments where she didn’t know how she was going to keep going.

Moments where she didn’t think she could get out of bed, and worse moments where she did get out of bed and she felt like an empty shell while she was walking around. At some points, she was so lost and so torn up that she wasn’t even sure if she was real. Sometimes she can’t believe that you love her, but other times she doesn’t want to believe that you love her, because that would just be too good, and good is not what she’s used to. She doesn’t want to love you and then lose you.

She’s scared, because having someone and then not suddenly not having them is a lot scarier than being alone. She might be extremely secure with herself, or she might think she is nothing.
She might be somewhere right down the middle. Regardless, she can’t believe she will find love with someone like you, because she hasn’t seen enough of it yet. She’s seen some beautiful love, but she has a hard time remembering that kind of love when she’s watching the sadder stories unfold.

She’s seen her friends get hurt, and she’s seen her friends hurt other people. She knows that breaking someone’s heart doesn’t always mean you’re a jerk or a heartless monster. She knows good people hurt other good people. Sometimes one person just doesn’t love another in the same way.

Sometimes they did love that person and then they fall out of it. Either way, they have to be honest with themselves, and they have to be fair to the other person. In the end, someone always gets crushed. Maybe she’s afraid to love you because she’s been the person that’s broken someone else’s heart. Being hurt doesn’t always have to mean you were on the receiving end.
You can hurt yourself by hurting someone else, to the point where you can’t even breathe and you hate waking up in your own body, knowing what you did and how you made someone else feel. Maybe she loved someone but knew they weren’t the right person for her, so she had to leave them.

And now she’s worried that you’re going to do the same thing to her.
That, even though you love her and you are kindhearted and you have the purest intentions, you still might have to walk away. She knows there are so many reasons why this might not work, so instead of paying attention to the one reason why it will, she focuses on the ways it won’t. It’s called self-preservation, and it’s all she knows. She listens to love songs and she lets them pass through her and she wants them to be her life. But she can’t. She wants to be that sickeningly happy.

To be so in love that you laugh at things that aren’t that funny and so in love that you aren’t fazed by rude people or stressful situations. But she won’t let herself give into the fantasy of leaning her head against the train window and listening to that song and wearing a dizzying smile as she thinks about you. She’d rather stay on the cautious side. This side of things is not thrilling or exhilarating. You don’t get goosebumps, and you don’t feel as if you need to go outside and run a mile in order to get rid of the boundless energy you feel just from thinking about someone else. This side isn’t living. But it’s safe and secure and she has a grip on her head and her heart. She doesn’t feel shaky or unstable. She’s in control. Maybe, technically, she doesbelieve that you love her.

Somewhere inside of her, once you get past all of the defense mechanisms, she is soft and she feels things and she believes that you love her. But this is also the part of her that is the most vulnerable.

She knows that if she’s going to let herself feel what you’re telling her and if she’s going to believe that you love her, she’s going to have to expose her soft side, her vulnerable side – the side she works the hardest to keep safe. She wants to trust you. She wants to believe that you’re different. She wants to give you the chance to break her into a million pieces. But you’ve got to meet her halfway.

You’ve got to let her know that you’re scared too. You’ve got to remind her that you’re just as much at risk, because she can break you into a million pieces too. If she can’t believe that you love her, tell her anyway. Every day. Show her.

Make her understand that you’re not going anywhere. Because at the end of the day, you want her to be staring out that train window, thinking only of you.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2014/12/why-she-doesnt-believe-that-you-love-her/
-Izah

On the same page.
In the same boat.
we're going down the drain.

I hate those sentence.
I've always stayed. Always.
Even how difficult it was. I had always hang on.
What did I get? Oblivion. Forgotten.

I don't think you've yet to know me.

What I am feeling right now?
I have no idea.
It's like you don't want to move but you have to.
It's like you don't want to speak but you have to.
It's like you don't want to live but you have to.
I don't know where we heading to.
I am not oblivious to the fact that you are trying to make this right.
However i can't accept the fact you don't know where you heading to.
So where are we now?

I don't want to see you to ignore me.
I don't want to see my dreams all come crashing down.
I still have that child in me.

I want security and safety.
I want togetherness.

oh god.

pills

The fact that I'm not getting any better.
It marks 1 freaking years I'm having bells palsy on board.
So what's the use of me taking the pills everyday.

Missing"

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[Chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

[Chorus]

alter bridge

"Watch Over You"

Leaves are on the ground
Fall has come
Blue skies turning grey
Like my love

I tried to carry you
And make you whole
But it was never enough
I must go

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
And who'll watch over you
When I'm gone?

You say you care for me
But hide it well
How can you love someone
And not yourself?

[Chorus]

And when I'm gone
Who will break your fall?
Who will you blame?

I can't go on
And let you lose it all
It's more than I can take
Who'll ease your pain?
Ease your pain

[Chorus:]
Who is gonna save you when I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength when you're not strong.
Who'll watch over you when I've gone away?

Snow is on the ground
Winters come
You long to hear my voice
But I'm long gone

Can you don't leave me hanging?

Chris brown

"Say Goodbye"

Look we gotta talk
Dang I know
I know it's just
It's just...
Some things I gotta get of my chest alright....
Yeahhhh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa...
Listen..

Baby come here and sit down, let's talk
I got a lot to say so I guess I'll start by
Saying that I love you,
But you know, this thing ain't been
No walk in the park for us
I swear it'll only take a minute
You'll understand when I finish, yeah
And I don't wanna see you cry
But I don't wanna be the one to tell you a lie so

[Hook]
How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Everything I tried to remember to say
Just went out my head
So I'ma do the best I can to get you to understand
'cause I know

[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

Girl I know your heart is breaking
And a thousand times I
Found myself asking, "Why? Why?"
Why am I taking so long to say this?
But trust me, girl I never
Meant to crush your world
And I never
Thought I would see the day we grew apart
And I wanna know

[Hook]
How do you let it go? When you,
You just don't know? What's on,
The other side of the door
When you're walking out, talk about it
Girl I hope you understand
What I'm tryna say.
We just can't go on
Pretending that we get along
Girl how you not gonna see it?

[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
I, I just can't do it
Listen to your heart
Girl you know,
We should be apart, baby I
I just can't do it
And sometimes it makes me wanna cry
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh [4x]
Do you hear me crying?
Oh, oh, oh [4x]

[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

[Chorus]
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you it's me.
I kinda gotta figure out what I need (oh)
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But we know that we gotta go
Our separate ways
And I know it's hard but I gotta do it,
And it's killing me
Cause there's never a right time
Right time to say goodbye

The fault in our stars - John green

"And in freedom, most people find sins."

lingers

Your smile.
your grin.
your smell.
your touch.
your kiss.
your hug.
your loud snore.
your eyes.
your crooked teeth.
Your jokes.
your unique laugh.
your hair.
your arm.
your chest.
your leg.
your butt.
your high pitch voice.
your everything.
:'(

imagine how hurt it is.

I want you to visualise.

you were sleeping with someone you love. Dear to you.
side by side. Holding hands.
when you shift to your side, someone you love hug you from behind. Kiss your head.
you feel protected. You feel like you're the little girl to the someone you love.

It leads to some thing. You would do to the someone you love.
You kissed someone you love and whisper "i love you".
someone you love whisper it back.

everything ends. You lay down beside someone you love.
Listen to the breathing. It was music to your ears. You were about to sleep.

Someone you loved said he was not ready for a relationship.
That you deserve better. It was his mistake to begin all this.

You started to cry. He cried with you.

At the end, he left you.

It hurts.

perhaps

Perhaps I don't give much to show.
perhaps I don't say much to know.
perhaps I don't show much for affections.

I know one day you will leave me.

It's not I want to do this.
taking a step for me is painful.
It's the only truth.

evanescence

"My Heart Is Broken"

I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you.

I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my heart).

I can't go on living this way
But I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'til the end of time
Half alive without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold

You and that smile. :/

My  thoughts are unrefined mess of sentiment.

I am angry for no reason.
I do not like this feeling at all.
It is depressing.
really.

insurgent

I think we cry to release the animal parts of us without losing humanity.

Soulmate"

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

The last lecture

"Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have infinite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won't make us happier."

conditions.

pardon me do my terrible English.

I was diagnosed with bells palsy. do Google it up if you want to know the details.
I was in denial. so angry. so sad.

I woke one day just to realise something was wrong. why can't I drink properly. smile properly. frown properly. I cried. I felt helpless. that's when my self esteem and confidence went down terribly.

I consult a doctor. gave me medications only for 2 weeks supply.
After 2 weeks my condition still remain the same.

2 weeks of fountain. away from guest. away from socialising. I just can't.  I cried and cried.
so angry. went to see specialist, well it takes time to recover.

well I have no choice but to force myself back up. I have no choice to have that confidence but my self esteem, well I can't bring it up. I just can't. 
every time I smile or laugh I will just cover my mouth because I don't like it. I don't like it when I can't smile properly.

I fear that I can't smile ever again. properly that is.

I have to face this challenge and I must be brave. 
Allah s.w.t gave me this challenge and the challenge is accepted.