pills

The fact that I'm not getting any better.
It marks 1 freaking years I'm having bells palsy on board.
So what's the use of me taking the pills everyday.

conditions.

pardon me do my terrible English.

I was diagnosed with bells palsy. do Google it up if you want to know the details.
I was in denial. so angry. so sad.

I woke one day just to realise something was wrong. why can't I drink properly. smile properly. frown properly. I cried. I felt helpless. that's when my self esteem and confidence went down terribly.

I consult a doctor. gave me medications only for 2 weeks supply.
After 2 weeks my condition still remain the same.

2 weeks of fountain. away from guest. away from socialising. I just can't.  I cried and cried.
so angry. went to see specialist, well it takes time to recover.

well I have no choice but to force myself back up. I have no choice to have that confidence but my self esteem, well I can't bring it up. I just can't. 
every time I smile or laugh I will just cover my mouth because I don't like it. I don't like it when I can't smile properly.

I fear that I can't smile ever again. properly that is.

I have to face this challenge and I must be brave. 
Allah s.w.t gave me this challenge and the challenge is accepted.

broken

One thing for sure and I am positive with it, is that I can't live without my family
How broken it was, I can't live without them
I am not saying that every family have to be perfect.
How dysfunctional is the family, I just can't live without them

How I grew up without a father. Then I grew up with a step father. Then no father once again
Seeing it all falling apart once again. I grew up in a failing family, it is not that I going to dwell about it.
However with this, I know that this will be my strength.

Strength to pick up each pieces. Not trying to paste everything back, I can't.
I will just love every each moment, everything. Every moment, sad angry or what ever we are feeling
We will just grow stronger small steps

I can't deny that I really wanted a good family, a well to do family but this family will do.
How broken it is, it is still my family. I just can't live without them
How sometimes I wake up tasting failure and disgust, wondering if everything will be okay
It will be okay. Not now. Maybe future.

How broken i was, I am deeply cut. Scarred with anger. I grow up with anger til now.
I am broken

But it does not mean, you have the right to look down on my family. You don't
You are not perfect. We are not perfect. Just live with it like I do now.

so.

No procrastination.
Reminder to myself
No negativity
No laziness

Yes I can do this.

you.

I hope you I hope you will make me happy Because I Because I will try to be happy as long you try to be there Because I won't Because I won't hesitate to leave. I won't get hurt again.

Must

must be strong. Must detach myself from negativity. Must not stay stagnant like this forever. You can do this Faizah.

Me.

I bought a make up thingy for myself. So not myself, I know. Haha. Bought liquid eye liner, mascara, brushes and eye shadows. Haha. Okay. I'm excited but at the same time I felt like Fucked up because I don't knkw how to use it. Time to learn. Hahaha.

Okay alright.. I know it has been a long time since I blog. Forgive me for my mistakes in my grammar. It sucks. Haha.

I think I..

pms-ing.

Really

I give up.

How much I try my best to be patience.

People just don't see it.

Poke poke poke

The poking in my head. Hurt.

..

Usually i dont give up on others.

However others give up on me.

Sickening.

Crushed

Feeling crushed like those ice blends.

Okay crap. I dont feel like moving.

I feel like just stay at one place and wonder alone.

People will think im crazy but they dont understand.

Love is a very impressive and difficult achievement for me and its not only on one particular area. Its about all. Family personal friends alll those shiit. All those shiit.

Here i am alone once more nobody to whine to.

Fuck

Fuck the love.

Horny day

Stop turning me on.

PMS - ING.

i've scratch my head til it bleeds. it's awesome. i try to think of a plan to kill. it's awesome.
it's good to be lost. it's awesome.

i keep on losing my temper. it's not awesome.

it's good to be alone. it's super awesome.

happy new year dudes!

This is the first first post for 2010. So.... HAPPY NEW YEAR! What the heck, it's still feels the same for me. Nothing change. Everything come and go. Everything go up and down.

Everything is fast and slow. SO practically everything is everything. Same old same old.

Every time i press new post, NOTHING comes into mind. Suddenly the mind just shut down. SO this is a random post whereby the post can be stupid, the post can be dumb, the post can be angry, the post can be happy, the post can be all in the world of shit I'm in. Yeahs, all the shit I'm in. Same old same old.

Some said i lost weight. Some said I'm still the same. Some said i look like shit. Some said i gain weight, and i said WHAT THE HECK. I DON'T CARE. But but but some remarks pulls my esteem down SO i decided to shoot him/her down only in my mind where everything seems wonderful. Wonderful indeed.

As usual I'm still unclear about what will unfolds in near future. Oh shit, what will happen to me? What will i do? Yeahs, I'm still lost in this world. Lost indeed. So when you asked me what will i do, i just answer I DON'T KNOW.

2009.. What can i say about that year? Well, it contains a lot of shit and puke face people trying to shit and puke at me. I've lost almost everything in the world for just one fuck face. I care too much til it hurts. I give so much that i can call myself DUMB. I love a fuck face that i fail to notice the shit fuck face've done. You only stand up for just once. Once is never enough. I mask a happy face thought a fuck face is the only fucking one for me. I will never let you fuck my life anymore.

I look like I've move on but i don't. It's still hurt. I just want to give a final slap or anything that can inflict pain on you just to give me that satisfaction and pleasure. SHIIT YOU!!

I feel like throwing plates onto the floor. That satisfaction i need.

After giving so much but in the end it doesn't even matter because i still feel empty inside.

This is shiit feelings. I feel like shooting myself. I feel like escaping and run away so far where people can't find me. I need to find me. I can't rely on myself no more.

Want to run away so badly.

Stupid post.

if there's a contest title sleeping queen.
i can be the queen.

I stayed home today.
I slept the whole day.
I like it.

LOVE OF MY LIFE.

First of all, SOUR SWEETS ROCKS!! YOU ROCK MY WORLD!!

It is my company when i'm sleepy. Even it doesn't make any different.

I know it make alot of effort in waking me up.

Secondly, COFFEE!!! YOU ARE MY LOVER. ALWAYS MINE.

Yeahh, this lover of mine always get a kiss from me for almost every morning.

I feel lost and empty when i don't have you in my starting day.

I keep on losing into my wonderland and i need a hard nudge from a friend to stay alive.

You make a different in my life.

Thirdly, MY SOFT SPONGECAKE BED. YOU ARE SIGNIFICANT IN MY LIFE.

Yes you darling have been there for me every single day. Yes you, i love you baby.

You have been there for me in sadness, madness, craziness, hotness, coldness and alot more i can do with you. I want to thank you for loving me and accepting me for the way i am.

I want to be with you every single day. Every morning, when i part from you, i feel lost.

I miss you till i sleep practically everywhere. Outside MLT, train, bus and while standing up.

I miss you that much. You are the love of my life.